I'll be okay tomorrow
by lilhappy101
Summary: he is living the "dream", but what happens when it gets too much to handle? will he let it get to his head? *warning: talks about cutting and blood.* kogan eventually


This is my first try at writing a fan fiction. it would be helpful if you could leave any tips or suggestions in the comments.

i am not the best at writing but hope you like it!

*the song i used was liquor store blues by Bruno Mars and Damian Marley. i do not own it and all copy rights go to the right full owners . i just changed some of the lyrics.

Sadly i also don't own Big Time Rush , so all copy right go to Nickelodeon and the other right full owners.

* * *

_I'll make one cut for my pain_  
_One slit for my sorrow_  
_Get messed up today_  
_I'll be okay tomorrow_

I watch as the crimson red blood slowly drips down my hand and on to the porcelain white sink. It starts to sting but I barely notice at all. I've become numb from this, whatever you want to call it cutting, an attempt at suicide, or a cry for attention. Trust me it's not the last one that's for sure. Sometimes I wish I got no attention at all...everything I do, everything I say is all over the place in just second.

I hate it! I hate it all! The... the attention, having to live this fake life, maintaining this persona that I am fucking happy living "the dream". I especially hate how they expect me to be a role model to these kids, our fans... if only they knew how fucked up there idol Logan Mitchell is.

Yep that's right, I Logan the "smart one", the one who dreamed of being doctor fucking cuts himself.

Now you must be thinking I am selfish or something, what possibly does a rich and famous star like me have to be depressed about?

Like I said before I hate having to keep up this happy act, when I'm fucking breaking on the inside. I can't sing, I can't dance, I lack" swagger". I have heard it enough times from Gustavo and I know the guys think it too.

God, I'm a fucking useless untalented nerd! I mean yes I am smart, but it doesn't matter in LA because along as your good-looking like James or the Jenifer's you will definitely make it here.

Honestly I have thought about leaving, you know just pack up my things and get on the next flight to Minnesota. But I couldn't do that to James, ruin his lifelong dream of being famous. No I just can't do it. Plus think of Kendall and Carlos and how they would feel if I was gone.

So instead I sit in this bathroom and make cuts across my wrist with a blood stained pocket knife. To help me temporarily escape the stress that everything is causing.

_Cause my job got me going crazy_  
_So I ain't got a thing to lose_  
_Take me to a place where I don't care_  
_This is me and my pocket knife blues_

I pick up the blade again and slowly drag it across my pale white. Another cut and another one after that. the blood continues to drip. The more I make the better I feel. I keep cutting till I start to feel dizzy, that's when I stop because I don't want the guys to find me passed out and bleeding to death. I wouldn't want to put that kind of stress on them.

So,I wash the blood of my arm, it stings but again I don't feel a thing. I rinse the sink thoroughly and clean it with disinfectant, Shove my new friend my pocket knife into my pocket for later use. Before I leave I check to see if I missed anything, thankfully I didn't. No one needs to know about my sick fucked up habit. The last thing I want is for people to stress over me. The less attention the better.

I exit the bathroom and head to the room I share with Kendall. You'd think being famous I would at least have my own room but sadly I'm stuck with a roommate. It's not that I don't like living with Kendall, it's just that based on my current situation it would be easier to sleep alone.

Kendall takes on the role of being the leader and protector of the group. He feels it's his duty to shield the guys from any harm. Kendall would put his life on the line to save his boys. You couldn't Ask for a better friend...Logan however wished at the moment that he wasn't so over protective.

The blond boy would die if he found out what Logan was doing to himself, how much Logan was hurting. Yup it would break his little heart and Logan could not allow that to happen. He would just have to hide his little secret as best he could.

I entered my room and flopped on to my messy unmade bed. It felt so good. Lately I was becoming more and more tired. Was it lack of blood flowing through my system or all the work it takes for me to pretend I am happy? It didn't matter for all I knew it was getting worse. A couple of weeks ago if you walked in to my room my side would have been Spick and span. Now I barely have the energy to put my clothes away much or less make my bed.

When did I let it get this out of hand?

I take out my I pod and put on my favorite song at the moment. It was _Fake It by __Seether_. It related perfectly to how I was feeling about myself now. A faker that's all I am now...one big lie.

_Who's to know if your soul will fade at all__  
__The one you sold to fool the world_  
_You lost your self-esteem along the way_  
_Yeah_

_[Chorus:]_  
_Good god you're coming up with reasons_  
_Good god you're dragging it out_  
_Good god it's the changing of the seasons_  
_I feel so raped_  
_So follow me down_  
_And just fake it if you're out of direction_  
_Fake it if you don't belong here_  
_Fake it if you feel like affection_  
Whoa_ you're such a fucking hypocrite_

_And you should know that the lies won't hide your flaws_  
_No sense in hiding all of yours_  
_You gave up on your dreams along the way_  
_Yeah_

_[Chorus]_

Whoah  
_Whoah_

_I can fake with the best of anyone_  
_I can fake with the best of em all_  
_I can fake with the best of anyone_  
_I can fake it all_

_Who's to know if your soul will fade at all_  
_The one you sold to fool the world_  
_You lost your self-esteem along the way_  
_Yeah_

_[Chorus]_

_Fake it if you're out of direction_  
_Fake it if you don't belong here_  
_Fake it if you feel like infection_  
Whoa_ you're such a fucking hypocrite_

I shut my eyes and drift off into to a nice peaceful sleep...


End file.
